Getting it 'wrong' in Motherhood
How a nap gone 'wrong' gave me an opportunity to soothe some tender parts of myself this week...
Hello… I am Lauren, a Mother of two daughters, a Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Writer, Creator, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. I support those forever changed by Matrescence and the journey of Motherhood. Please do consider a free or paid subscription to support my work and join the community…
I stood in the darkened bedroom, baby wide-eyed and most definitely NOT asleep, and felt my shoulders tighten, an unpleasant rush of heat rise up from my belly into my chest, and a swell of tears threatening the back of my throat.
‘I got it wrong… again.’
I was instantly transported back to the time at school my teacher shouted at me for innocently throwing a pen across the table to pass it to my friend.
Back to the time when I was told off for talking in assembly in front of everyone. Back to the time when I accidentally trod on an adult’s foot at a local gathering in my village, aged about 6. Back to the time I mistakenly called the Police when I was playing with my Uncle’s house phone. Back to the times when ‘older girls’ would belittle my attempts at trying to fit in to their conversation as a teenage girl. Back to every time in my life I have felt that rising burn of shame throb through my body after making a ‘mistake’.
Perfectionism, once more, sinking it’s toxic claws into my body in both a physical and emotional way.
Fuck you perfectionism.
I am a huge believer in experiencing life, in trying things, failing, letting things unfold and seeing what knowledge can be gleaned from them. But… in certain areas of my life making mistakes just feels skin-crawingly uncomfortable.
One of those areas is Motherhood.
While I am actively working on unravelling from the myth of the perfect mother - cognitively I KNOW that it is an unattainable ‘goal’ designed to undermine and undervalue the essence of Mothers - there is still a lot of ‘under the surface’ ways that I am having to do the work to stay compassionate towards my human imperfections.
Getting it ‘wrong’…
My 9.5 month old always takes her naps in the buggy. I have on very rare occasions attempted to put her down for a nap in her crib - it never works. It always ends up stressful for everyone. It has taken months for us to be able to put her down at bedtime in her crib without upset, and she stays there for maybe 2 - 4 hours (if we are lucky) before snuggling in with us. I am OK with this… it means we all get rest and that is currently the priority. Plus… I want to soak her up as much as I can in these early years (but shhhhh… don’t tell the sleep ‘experts’ because clearly I am ‘spoiling’ her!! Urgh.)
I hadn’t attempted a cot nap for several months because we have fallen into a lovely gentle rhythm of her sleeping happily in the buggy outside the back door - even when it is stationary (which was a massive win as for the first 7 months of her life it was only ever in the sling while swaying repeatedly for hours). However, on Sunday I decided that - because the winter will be creeping up soon - and she ‘should’ be napping in her crib - I would try again.
She fell asleep really easily as she was tired, but after 15 minutes she was wide awake again and NOT IMPRESSED. I tried to re-settle her and it was to no avail. One wide awake baby who normally naps for an hour in the morning… that’s less than ideal. My inner dialogue instantly defaulted to… I got it wrong. I made a mistake. I ‘should’ have known better.
For the most part, these days, I am a lot more gentle on myself than I used to be when I make mistakes (because of course making mistakes offers the greatest learning experience). I feel fully confident experimenting in my business, for example, but for some reason there are certain ‘triggers’ in Mothering that activate a deeper sense of ‘failure’ than others.
Baby sleep appears to be one of them.
Perhaps it is because there is so much out there on how our babies should be sleeping. The nap schedules. The wake windows. The whole industry that has been created to touch the very sensitive nerves that baby sleep seems to have on us.
For whatever reason - getting my baby’s sleep ‘wrong’ is one of those things that can over-ride my compassionate narrative and activate the old default story line of self criticism.
Getting it ‘wrong’ is still hitting a rather tender nerve
The poison of perfection
I have been reflecting a lot recently about the unexpected ways that ‘getting it wrong’ has played out in my Motherhood journey. I have been sitting with it. Getting to know it. Looking underneath it.
Excavating the rotten roots that underpin some of my Mothering experiences, because this unattainable aspiration to not make mistakes taints the very raw and beautiful essence of parenting in so many ways.
The unwritten ‘rules’ that have become an inner narrative are like a poison. They are not my true voice, they don’t come from love, but they stem from the voice of expectation that has been placed on us to de-value our humanness.
These stories bring a sense of self mistrust. They perpetuate the need to ‘control’. They are - I believe - often fueled by patriarchal threads to ensure we never quite feel confident enough in ourselves being ‘enough’.
I am so done with these stories… of apologising for myself and my imperfections.
So. Done.
A route back to the heart
The loving parts of me absolutely know, trust and understand that of course - I haven’t got anything ‘wrong’. That I am learning, just as my babies are. But that little girl inside still holds a deep wound around making mistakes.
I am listening to her - not being ruled by her - but listening gently to her needs.
This ‘getting it wrong’ is a visceral body-based sensation. It is not something that can be ‘thought’ it’s way out of. I believe a lot of it is generational - not even from this lifetime.
What this is, yet again, is an opportunity for love to come and wrap itself around my shoulders, holding me in my ‘imperfections’. The way I encourage Sophia to try things even if they don’t ‘work’, the way Vesper tries to stand up and wobbles onto her bottom time and time again without questioning ‘what she is doing wrong?’.
I would never want my daughters to feel that getting something wrong makes them less worthy of love.
Once again here I have an opportunity for me to turn my love back on myself… to Mother myself.
Hold myself gently. With so much tenderness.
These moments of ‘getting it wrong’ are catalysts for deeper love, love without conditions… they are opportunities to come back to compassion time and time again. A mirror.
Opportunities to let go of self judgement. To let go of criticism. To let go of an ideal that doesn’t actually serve me, or anyone around me to be honest. To celebrate all that I am instead of all that I am not.
I know that these experiences rise up to mirror pieces of myself that need to be witnessed, explored and gently liberated. Motherhood is probably the greatest medicine I have experienced for this very type of healing.
I take responsibility for myself - but I also throw my hands up and say there are some parts of me that can’t hold it all in one go. I am a work in progress. Some things will take longer to soothe and ‘heal’ than others. It is an ongoing journey of learning and softening and will probably exceed this lifetime - and perhaps many more to come
There is also great wisdom to be learned from trying something and it ‘not working’. In fact a lot more wisdom than always getting it ‘right’.
So here is to making messy imperfect decisions in Motherhood - and beyond. It is a practice I am working on - and probably always will be, and that is OK.
Some of the questions I have been exploring…
If there was no fear of ‘getting it wrong’, what would I do differently? What could life look like?
What part of me is holding on to this storyline? And what does she need in order to let go of that grip on it? (spoiler alert… it isn’t criticism!)
What affirmation or mantra can I anchor into to help me stay tuned into the kind and compassionate voice within? (for me the answer was simply ‘I am enough’.)
I would love to unravel this more with you. What is your relationship with ‘getting things wrong’? Has this shown up more for you since you entered Motherhood?
Until next time beautiful soul,
With so much love
Lauren
xxx
If you feel called to share this with other like minded Mothers I would be so grateful.
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Ah finally finding the time to read and I am so with you on all of this, thank you for sharing. The letting go of perfectionism, and right now for me it’s trying to let go of the ‘shoulds’ that seem to present themselves in my mind. At the same time, motherhood has been the biggest journey into my ‘inner rebel’, ignoring the books/‘experts’ and going by the heart. But yes it is so easy to be hard on ourselves, often in situations entirely beyond our control (especially difficult for the Virgos...!), all the more softening required when things don’t go to plan and thank you for the reminder about learning with our babies, and also mothering ourselves. Love to you xx
Finally got a chance to sit down and take in your words honey and wow what a beautiful share. I love your thoughts on getting things wrong in motherhood vs getting them wrong in childhood and how they're both connected. I can definitely see wounds of my childhood show up in my mothering, especially the feeling of not being enough/ doing enough. I think it's so powerful to take the time to voice it and share it with the world so thank you for that beautiful. Sending you so much love, always xxx