An ode to the gifts of my 30s
As I approach the threshold moment of turning 40, take a walk down memory lane with me...
Hello… I am a Mother of two daughters, a Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Writer, Creator, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. I support those forever changed by Matrescence and the journey of Motherhood. Please do subscribe to join the journey…
This week I will be 40 years old. 40!
It is a number that I feel surprisingly OK about - in fact it feels exceptionally expansive.
I started writing about thresholds and it turned into a little reflection of the last decade… I hope you will enjoy walking the path of memory lane a little with me…
Back in time…
On my 18th birthday my parents threw me a huge party in our garden - I got so drunk, and decided to smoke weed for the first (and last) time, that I vomited in front of all of my parents’ friends and got put to bed at 10pm. I woke up around 2am to find that my party was over! Not my proudest moment - but it’s a story to tell!
On my 21st birthday my best friend and I put on a ‘dinner party’ and made everyone dress in black tie. We spent the entire day preparing food, laying tables and decorating, had our hair done specially… I remember feeling so grown up!
On my 30th birthday I shared a party with another friend and we had a 1930’s themed event with a jazz band. I had a green satin dress made for me and we hired a photographer to mark the occasion. I think if I could live in any era - it would be the 1930s… what about you?
My thirties gifted me so much. So many lessons and learnings. It is the decade I have lived the most after a turbulent twenties full of panic attacks, anxiety and an overwhelming sense of being lost.
The jewels from this decade…
The gift of travel
Struggles with my mental health in my twenties meant I didn’t really have the confidence to go very far afield - so once I landed into my thirties, and had a stronger sense of self, I felt the urge to explore. I was lucky enough to travel to Hong Kong, Singapore, Australia, Borocay, Bali, Costa Rica, Canada, Italy, France, Austria, Portugal, Spain and multiple places in the UK.
Each trip taught me more and more about myself and gave me a sense of confidence in the world. While my solo trips to Costa Rica to do my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training and Calgary in Canada to do my Yoga Nidra training were probably the most expansive in many ways… it was actually the trips closer to home that felt like deeper more tender journeys.
Journeying with Uma Dinsmore Tuli in the village of Alnmouth to do my Womb Yoga Teacher Training showed me the power of Women gathering, and then an adventurous stamina-testing trip climbing Ben Nevis, Scarfell Pike and Snowdon within three days was probably the most arduous thing (apart from giving birth) that I have ever done physically.
The gift of studying
After leaving school after my A-levels I went straight into my career without pausing to draw breath (apart from a week long girls trip to Falaraki - which still makes me feel queasy now!) so in my thirties something was sparked within me to get back to learning. I had a hunger for new information.
Over the last decade I have studied Health Coaching, Reiki, Yoga (many different trainings), Meditation, Yoga Nidra, Sex, Love & Relationship Coaching, Human Design, Cacao Ceremony Facilitation, Website Design, Matrescence and more. Yes it is an ecclectic mix!
I am a lifelong learner and have no doubt that there will be more… but for now I am letting all of this fully integrate before stepping forwards.
The gift of Embodiment
After an injury to my back in my thirtieth year, alongside four years of hypothalamic amenorrhea (the loss of my menstrual bleed) I had to switch my obsessive gym habit for one that was more gentle.
I had dabbled with yoga over the years but I devoted myself to the practice and fell in love with all aspects of it.
It brought me back to my body in the most loving, gentle - and yet powerful way.
While my practice is very different to the strong Vinyasa Flow I started with - my body still feels most at home when I step onto my mat and let the practice guide me. My Yoga mat has never failed to catch me whenever I have needed it.
The gift of a pivot
Until my thirties I had devoted my entire life, and career, to horses. The business I had built from the age of 21 specialised in supporting Brands in the equestrian industry, my spare time was spent training, competing and caring for my horses. My whole identity was wrapped up in it. And then suddenly… the spark had gone… almost overnight.
I sold my horses, all of my equipment and even my business. To others I think they thought I was crazy… but to me I simply followed what felt right.
The gift of acceptance
It was only really when I found Human Design later in my thirties that I completely accepted myself for the above pivot. When I discovered I was a Manifesting Generator and that I was literally born to shout ‘plot twist’… I could finally accept and ‘forgive’ myself for turning not just my life, but my husband’s life, upside down.
It took several years for me to really land into this new phase - and that was hard and challenging at times - but as I moved through my thirties I felt more and more trusting of the unknown path.
The gift of experimentation
I have truly let myself follow my career curiosities in my thirties. I birthed several different iterations of my business - over ten different websites (this does not include my web design clients!) been a health blogger and recipe creator, worked full time for myself at times, freelanced for other Brands when I sought more stability, launched a podcast, tried to launch three different memberships and let go of all of them, taught hundreds of hours of yoga classes, run retreats in the UK, France and Austria, coached and mentored incredible humans in various areas of life, had multiple unsuccessful launches, received crickets for ideas I have put in the world, been fired by my first business coach for not following ‘her rules’, held space for women at various stages of life, signed up to many courses that are still incomplete and have not actually been ‘used’ in the way that I thought they would be…
I wouldn’t change any of it!
The gift of grief making way for love
This time five years ago, if you had told me I would be seeing out this decade as a Mother of two daughters - I could never have believed it.
The mid-point of this decade saw the ending of my marriage, the monumental grief that swept over me like a tidal wave again and again… it was the first time I had allowed myself to fall to my knees and let grief consume me. It was a gateway… a gateway for love.
When the waves settled and the sun sparkled on the water once again… unexpectedly a new beginning came for us. I learned about the pain of letting things go, but also of the reward for deep trust and faith.
This decade also brought about some heart breaking goodbyes to loved ones, including my Nanna who was over 100 years old.
More recently, earlier this year our 16.5 year old Patterdale terrier Pickle journeyed onwards.
With each passing, grief has made way for a deeper sense of love… not the love of fairytales, but the gritty kind of truthful love that leaves an ache in your chest, your eyes puffy and a tenderness in your being that means you are forever altered.
And of course… the gift of Motherhood, crossing the threshold of Matrescence…
The most incredible, expansive, initiatory, underworld journey of birthing two daughters into this world. If you are a regular reader then you likely already know just how rearranging that has been for me.
Everything from both pregnancies - challenging for different reasons - to two very different births and of course two completeing different beings to guide me and mirror different things - has been the most heart-burstingly, and humbling, teaching I could ever have received.
Is it how I thought it would look? No.
But I am truly in awe of this life, of possibility, of uncertainty.
It leads me to my favourite quote, which I think sums up my 30s perfectly….
When nothing is certain, anything is possible.
And so there is a little walk down memory lane from this past decade… the dirty… flirty… thirties. It is time to leave them behind and walk into a new season...
One last rebirth before my 30s come to a close…
It feels perfectly timed to be bringing my brand new website to live on the cusp of my 40th Birthday. I quietly pressed publish on the new moon, and am letting her gently ease out into the world. If you feel called to explore then please do, and I would love to hear how she lands for you!
Welcoming my 40s…
Over the years my birthday milestones have been quite BIG and external. I love an opportunity to get dressed up and have a wild night of dancing… but this year is very different as I soften deeper and deeper into Motherhood.
Yes - I did want a party - and I found the most incredible Sequin jumpsuit that I was going to theme the entire party around because… sparkle! But the reality is that I have a baby that needs me in an unpredictable rhythm and that comes as a priority. I am more than OK with that.
What I crave more than anything is a deeply relaxing massage, a walk in the woods with cacao and some of my dearest sisters, a meal with my loved ones, a daytime dance and gathering in the garden (with perhaps a little glitter thrown in), a walk on my own at sunrise, the company of my daughters, a chance to sit and reflect over the years gone by - and also, while I am not a ‘ten year planner’, I do have some wishes I would like to fulfil over the coming decade so I would love to intentionally create a ritual to welcome in some new experiences.
As I approach this milestone number of 40 spins around the sun, I can see how important it is to honouring the entire journey - ebbs and flows - that lead us to the threshold moments in our life.
I would love to hear from you how you have honoured your threshold birthdays… have you ever taken stock of all that a decade has gifted you in this way?
Thank you for being here to witness me in my becoming…
I wonder what 40 will bring…
With love, and curiosity
This is so beautiful and the first ever publication I have read by you...wow magic ✨✨ Resonated deeply as my thirties has too seen me become a mother. I am 3.5 years away from 40 and I wonder how many gorgeous light filled souls I will have cuddled up around me by the time I reach that milestone. Happy Birthday Lauren, may the next lap around the sun be filled with endless magic 🤍 I would also love to hear your intentions for the next decade! And yes to curiosity!! I’m embodying more of this especially with our (almost) three year old. Thank you for the gift of that word into my orbit again xx
I’m 40 in January and I love this idea of reflection on my 30s! I might try it out myself. Currently not feeling too buzzing about 40...! Loved reading this. 💕